Understanding the emotions that surround bereavement is challenging, but asking for help and support is a strength, not a weakness. Read Katy’s KEMP story.
Understanding the emotions that surround bereavement is challenging. Each person’s feelings are entirely unique. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is difficult at any time of year, but at Christmas, it can heighten feelings of anxiety, confusion and loneliness.
Former client of KEMP Hospice’s Family Support & Bereavement Service Katy knows only too well how these feelings can impact your life, but is keen to share her story so others can understand, asking for help and support is a strength, not a weakness.
Katy’s Story
“My Mom was an amazing woman. She was strong, brave and a real fighter. Mom had already had cancer twice before, once when I was 5 and again when I was 18 having chemotherapy and a partial mastectomy. In 2019 she was doing really well, but on her last check up before sign off, Mom had complained of a persistent cough, so the doctors carried out a full body MRI scan. It was at this point they found a 5cm tumour. Mom knew straight away this was different. It was confirmed after biopsies that the cancer had spread to her lungs, and sadly she didn’t have long left”
“Mom made the decision not to take any further treatment. Initially, I didn’t understand why, but now I see how brave and courageous she was for choosing to spend quality time with us, her family, choosing to live her remaining life to the full. We did everything together and made the most wonderful memories as a family, telling each other how much we loved each other and taking every moment together as a gift”
“Towards Christmas 2019, Mom started getting more poorly and when the pandemic hit in 2020, I moved back home to help support Mom and Dad through the final few months. We had nurses come in twice a day and my Dad, Sister and I did everything we could to keep Mom comfortable and in her own home. It was a bittersweet feeling, it was so hard, but it was an honour to be able to care for her”
By Easter, Katy’s Mom had become increasingly poorly and on 11th May 2020 she passed away, at home, with her loving family around her.
Coping with Grief
“Grieving for Mom was initially quite hard. Because I was living at home, in that environment, I don’t think it hit me, I just went into auto and kept up a routine. I felt it was my job to care for others and didn’t really consider my own feelings.”
Katy’s grief was also compounded by the breakdown of her relationship with her fiancé. “I was trying to fight everything I was going though, Mom’s death, my relationship breakdown, I was so confused and lost, I just couldn’t understand or distinguish between all the emotions I was feeling”.
It was at this point Katy’s Sister suggested she contact KEMP’s Family Support & Bereavement Services Team. “My sister was already receiving counselling from KEMP, and I was aware how it was helping her to speak to someone. I decided to make the call and was introduced to my Counsellor Katy. This was the best decision I could have made. Katy helped me to work through the timeline of my feelings and gave me the tools I needed to understand my emotions and prioritise myself. Speaking to her gave me the safe space I needed to speak honestly about my feelings. Many people in my life will get upset when I talk about Mom. Because of their love for me and my mom, they take on my pain. Speaking with a KEMP Counsellor I knew I could be truly honest about my feelings without fear of upsetting anyone, it took so much pressure off my shoulders”
Grieving at Christmas
Katy’s first Christmas without her mom was a particularly poignant time, as she explains: “It’s my birthday in mid-November and Mom always made birthdays so special. Without her there it set off what became a difficult period. Christmas is a tough time for many people anyway, and I was particularly worried about my Dad and my sister and how they were coping with that time of year. My sister had a young baby so trying to make the time special, we decided to put up the decorations. Mom was the least organised person, but we found out that before she died, she had organised all the decorations into boxes and labelled everything so she could help us”
“There was such an awareness that something, or someone, was missing. We are a small family anyway so Mom not being there was even more noticeable. New Year’s Eve was particularly difficult, I didn’t want to let go of 2020 as it felt like starting a new year meant time was moving quicker. I was still receiving Counselling from KEMP at this point which helped me immeasurably in processing through my feelings”.
“As for this coming Christmas, I don’t really know how I’m going to feel. At the moment, I feel as though I can deal with it better, but maybe it will hit me closer to the day. What I can say though, is KEMP has given me the tools to understand that all you can know is how you feel now, and recognising that can help you deal with the future.”
Having Strength to ask for Help
In sharing her story, Katy is keen for people to understand that it’s ok to ask for help, particularly people of her age. “I wish more people my age would get help if they need it. It’s ok to talk to someone, to allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help from others. Without speaking to KEMP I can’t imagine what I would be like now, how I would be feeling”
“KEMP has been such an important part of my life and I will never forget how much this whole process has helped me. KEMP has been there for me through some of the hardest times I’ve experienced but speaking with a KEMP Counsellor has given me the tools I needed to help me cope through this phase of my life. I’ll never heal from losing Mom, but thanks to Katy and KEMP, I have the tools, the knowledge and the space to deal with it in a healthy way”
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